10 THINGS WOMEN DO TO .... driving the men who love them right out of their live

10 THINGS WOMEN DO TO ....
Some women, without even knowing it, are driving the men who love
them right out of their lives. For the most part, women aren't
getting information about men straight from the source. They're
asking other women, listening to so-called relationship experts, and
believing statistics. While those sources may be helpful and provide
some information, nothing is as accurate as asking men what they
think and feel. This list of ten things women do that drive men away
was compiled from informal interviews with real everyday men. None of
these men are "experts" from academia. None of them are sociologists,
psychologists, or relationship experts. They're just regular guys: a
computer technician, a personal fitness trainer, a mail courier, a
college student, an entrepreneur, a corporate executive, a sanitation
worker, a police officer, a mechanic, and an attorney.

When I got the guys together, the first question I asked was "What
are some of the things women do that drive men away?" I asked them to
be blunt and candid in their responses, but I made it clear that I
wasn't looking for a list of mean-spirited complaints. Instead, I
wanted to compile a list of ten things that men wished women knew. A
list that would bridge the gap between men and women. I told them the
purpose of this list was to improve communication, avoid
misunderstanding, and expose any "taboo" issues that need to be
brought into the open. In that spirit, we began our discussion. As I
sat and talked with the guys, most of their answers kept coming back
to the ten areas explained below.

1. ACTING SWEET TO GET A MAN, THEN CHANGING

"I don't know why women act so sweet during dating and change
completely when they know they've got you." --Alvin, computer
technician

She used to go to bed in a naughty nightie and didn't care about
sweating the curls out of her head. Now she goes to bed with a head
full of rollers and a face covered with Noxzema. When they were
dating, she batted her eyes, spoke softly, and always looked sexy.
But now that she's got him, that all changed. The gently batting eyes
and shy smiles have been replaced with frowns, pursed lips, and
shrill tones. No more sexy clothes. Now she dresses like she doesn't
care what she looks like, every day is a bad hair day, and she's fast
losing the curves in her body and developing a pleasantly plump
figure.

Of course, men can't expect women to be superwomen who are able to
work, cook, clean, and make love with flawless precision. But a woman
shouldn't start out playing the superwoman role at the beginning and
then change. It's better to present herself as she is and get it all
out in the open. When a woman changes her entire act after the
relationship gets going, men feel as though they've been duped.
Suddenly, he doesn't know what to believe anymore and feels he can't
really trust the woman he thought he knew.

2. NOT GIVING ENOUGH SPACE

"She clings to me because she thinks that every minute I'm not with
her I'm fooling around." --Lewis, personal fitness trainer

The "S" word must be used carefully. Some men intentionally abuse the
term "I need my space" to ensure that they can have their cake and
eat it too--fool around while not giving up what they already have.
But not all men are that way. Most men simply just want some room to
be by themselves. Men, just like women, need to feel that they aren't
trapped or being held hostage in their lives. From time to time, men
want to get away and be alone or hang out with their friends.

But it's a strain on the relationship when women think that a man is
being selfish, silly, or making up an excuse to go out and cheat just
because he wants some space. The smart woman knows that a man needs
his space and doesn't hold it against him. She's confident enough to
know that each person needs his/her own space to maintain a healthy
relationship. On the other hand, jealous and possessive women are
well known for their deliberate attempts to prevent a man from having
any sort of privacy. Those are the women who think letting a man out
of their sight is a mistake. They keep choke holds on their men and
eventually drive them away. But if a woman can't give the man a
little space, either the relationship isn't solid or she has some
personal problems she needs to deal with. If it's because she can't
trust him out of her sight, she doesn't need that man anyway.

3. WANTING TOO MANY THINGS

"I'm just a working man. I can't afford a two-story house in the
suburbs, a Lexus, a Range Rover, a bunch of credit cards, and kids
too." --Jesse, mail courier

Some black men say black women are unrealistic in their expectations
and want too much. Of course, wanting a good hardworking man who
respects women isn't asking too much. But what about when it goes far
beyond that? For some women, having a good man just isn't enough.
They also want a Lexus, a two-story home in the suburbs, and a string
of credit cards. When they don't have these things, they moan and
complain as though life is terrible. If the man dares to say
something about how he's happy with things as they are, he'll be
accused of being complacent, lazy, and lacking ambition. It's fine to
have goals and want some luxuries. But counting the blessings you
already have never hurts either.

4. NOT SAYING WHAT SHE MEANS

"Women expect you to read their minds like a psychic." --Jamal,
college student

Men aren't very good mind readers. In fact, we often have difficulty
just figuring out what women mean with the words they speak. I think
women are far more sophisticated communicators than men; they seem to
be more adept at the subtleties of gestures, facial expressions, and
body language. Therefore, men and women almost always suffer from
communication breakdowns in relationships.

Unfortunately, some women do not express themselves honestly and
openly. It seems that they are more apt to use voice inflections and
body language to communicate what they mean, even when the actual
words they are saying convey the opposite. Take this situation, for
example: "No, I don't mind if you go out with your friends instead of
taking me to a movie tonight," a woman says, tapping her foot and
looking away with her arms folded. Although her mouth is saying quite
literally, "No, I don't mind," her body is saying she does mind.
Women expect the men in their lives to read their nonverbal cues.

Some men fail to read the nonverbal cues of the women in their lives.
When this happens, an argument is almost always the result, because
the woman feels that she communicated her feelings to the man and he
ignored her. For example, I'll use the scenario from the previous
paragraph. When that man comes home from his night out with the guys,
his wife is going to be angry at him. She'll probably snap at him
when she talks, slam doors, or even yell at him.

"What's the problem?" he'll ask.

"You know what the problem is!"

But he really may not know what the problem is, because she never
came out and said what she meant in words. She expected him to read
the nonverbal cues and he totally missed them. As a result, the woman
believes that the man is just being callous and self-centered.
Likewise, the man is upset too; he thinks she's nagging him for no
reason. Both of them will go to bed angry.

5. THE THREE B'S OF SEX

"I'm going to be straight about it: sex is important to me." --Gene,
entrepreneur

Perhaps it would be nice if sex didn't play such a major role in
relationships. But for most people, sex is a big part of a
relationship. And for men, it's probably more important than it
should be. The sexual aggravations of men boil down to the three B's:
bad, boring, and the boudoir battle.

Bad sex

Sex is a learned skill. It's similar to driving a car. Basically,
anyone can do it. Some are good at it. And others are experts. But
everyone has an idea of what they consider good and bad sex. Common
complaints among men are: lack of enthusiasm, lack of rhythm, no
creativity, and poor technique. If a person in a relationship is
dissatisfied or experiencing sexual dysfunction, it's something that
should be openly and honestly discussed. The reasons for sexual
dysfunction can be psychological, physiological, ethical, and
religious, or a host of other things. If the problems seem
insurmountable, the advice of a pastor or therapist may be necessary.

Boring sex

Boring sex isn't necessarily the same thing as bad sex. But it is far
from good. Boring sex is always doing it in the same place, at the
same time, and in the same old position. It's when the sex gets to
the point that it feels like more of a duty than a desire. Boring sex
is when you're going through all the motions but there's no spice or
passion involved.

Boudoir battle

Using sex as a weapon doesn't do anything but make a man angry. It
can be subtle things such as not being open to touching and cuddling.
Or it can be more strategic. It can be the refusal to do certain
things in bed. The most brutal form of bedroom battle is outright
refusal.

Of course, a man can't expect a woman who is angry at him to make
mad, passionate love to him. That's where communication comes into
play. It's far better to talk and resolve the differences than to
play games of will because any real man will be very insulted by such
behavior. Then he may become vengeful and the whole thing turns into
a cold war of revenge. Boudoir battle can lead to deep resentment and
some men will use it as an excuse to cheat on their wives or
girlfriends.

6. CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT OTHER MEN

"She's always talking about this guy at her job and it really pisses
me off." --Shawn, corporate executive

Men don't like to hear women constantly talking about other men. It's
not necessarily an ego thing. It's just that each man wants to feel
special and important to the woman in his life. Women don't have to
cradle us like babies. Nor do they need to be patronizing. But a
woman would be wise to realize that the ego of a man can be fragile.
Black men in particular are constantly attempting to gain and
maintain the basic elements of American manhood: the ability to
provide, protect, and be masters of our own destinies. Not talking
excessively to your husband or boyfriend about how great you think
other men are is one small thing that can go a long way toward
healing the beleaguered black male ego.

7. BEING A DRAMA QUEEN

"She calls my pager all day when I'm at work. Then when I call her
back, she just starts whining about some little thing that could've
waited until later." --Art, sanitation worker

Drama queens are always whining, pestering, or nagging about
something. With them, nothing can ever be right. They pull all kinds
of little tricks to get and control a man's attention. If he's
watching television, she wants him to get up and put out the trash.
When he has time off from work, she tries to plan each hour for him.
If it's bill-paying time, she's crying about her car note being late.

Another technique used by the drama queen is to play damsel in
distress to get a man's attention. In this role the drama queen
says "save me." Initially, it may make a man feel good to be the
chivalrous knight in shining armor coming to the rescue. But too much
distress can drive even the most loyal knight to ride off into the
sunset.

8. BEING HARD AND COLD

"I work the graveyard shift so I don't have to be at home with my
wife." --Derek, police officer

That response was from a man who had been married less than one year
and was already engaged in a cold war with his wife. Most of the time
she was openly disrespectful to him as a human being, not just as a
man. Other times she was cold and aloof, barely acknowledging that he
was in the room. Believe it or not, men have feelings too. Hard and
cold behavior is enough to drive anyone away. Again, we aren't asking
to be cradled like babies. But every man wants home to be a safe
refuge from the cold-hearted world. However, when the world at home
is colder than the work world, there is no solace.

9. CHEATING

"They call us dogs, but women are out there fooling around just as
much." --Barry, auto mechanic

Some women will maintain that when a woman is cheating it's always
the fault of a man. That simply isn't true. Women are human beings
and are therefore just as subject to dishonesty and deceit as any
man.

Cheating takes two forms. First, there's the obvious form, which is
having affairs. But the second way of cheating is mental. It's the
subtle art of getting over on him. She may not be fooling around with
another man but she may be cheating by fooling around with the
checkbook balance. Her body may be faithful, but she may be cheating
by playing manipulative games to keep him within her control. Such
games rob a man of his energy and creativity and prevent him from
realizing his full potential. The truth is that cheating doesn't have
to be just about affairs or lovers. Cheating is deception of any
kind.

10. ENGAGING IN A POWER STRUGGLE

"I can't stand it when a woman always wants to prove to me that she's
smart, tough, and independent." --Lawrence, attorney

It really irritates men when women they're involved with are
constantly trying to upstage them. This is especially bothersome for
those men who aren't trying to compete with their mates. This
behavior takes many forms. Some women who engage in power struggles
with their mates do it through career competition: who can make the
most money or get the most prestige? For some the competition is
based upon education level: who has the most advanced degree from the
most prestigious school? Another form of engaging in a power struggle
is competing in disagreements: who gets the last word in? In addition
to those power struggles, the men I spoke with mentioned four other
ways some women engage in a power struggle: (1) Making sure they look
smarter than a man by intentionally upstaging him in public. (2)
Disagreeing for the sake of disagreement. (3) Unnecessary rudeness.
(4) Being condescending or cutting down what a man says when he
states his personal thoughts and opinions.

The guys I spent the evening talking with agreed that they weren't
intimidated by women who made more money, drove more expensive cars,
or had more education than they did. Their issue was with women who
want to flaunt those things in order to be the superior person in a
relationship. They all agreed that such behavior was a complete
turnoff. No matter what form the power struggle comes in, it's an
energy drain for a man who isn't interested in competing with his
mate. Engaging in a power struggle is a quick way to drive a man
away.

I know this list is going to make the tempers of some women flare.
But remember, this isn't a list of complaints. It's information
intended to give women insight into what men are thinking; it's a
bridge across the communication gap. Without straight and candid
communication, we can't solve the issues that threaten to end so many
relationships. Use these ten issues as a starting point for a
dialogue with your husband, the man in your life, or a male friend.
Such a discussion will give you even better insight than reading this
list. And that's the one-on-one communication needed not only to save
relationships but to make them better.