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Work & Leisure

Occupation
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General Occupation Guidelines

Hairstylist: Unacceptable
Barber: Acceptable
Secretary/Administrative Assistant: Unacceptable
HMFIC lieutenant: Acceptable
Any and all occupations requiring the use of hand/power tools: Acceptable, encouraged
Sheriff, Deputy or Cop: Acceptable, encouraged
Firefighter: Acceptable, encouraged
Military: Acceptable, encouraged (same rules apply to jobs within military)


Restrooms
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Eyes Forward

Eyes forward at the urinal, Susie. There's no reason to be looking around in the men's room. Get in, do your business, and get out.
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Eyes Up

When at a urinal, you never look down. Eyes must stay straight.

* You may meat gaze for only about 120 dreary, uncomfortable, awkward, seconds.
* If your urinal-mate has a child, it's fair game.
* No moaning if you have chugged less than two gallons in between bathroom visits.

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No Talking

period no talking at all... you just look forward, do the job, then wash hands and get out, no talking at all. An almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.
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One at a Time

Men do not go to the bathroom together. If nature calls two or more men in a group, only one may leave the group at a time. And, if two or more men need to go and they happen to be standing outside of a restroom, the others have to wait outside to adhere to the one at a time rule.
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Stall Buffer

See Urinal Buffer Rule
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Stand Up

A man shall urinate standing up unless also dropping logs. The ability to stand upright is what separates man from ape. To urinate in any other position is primitive. Flinging feces is also frowned upon.
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Urinal Buffer

A man should only occupy a urinal that is NOT immediately adjacent to another man (otherwise, you enter his "Splash Zone"). If there are no urinals available which meet this criteria, a line should be formed. There are two exceptions: (1) at a sporting event in a crowded bathroom, this rule is suspended and (2) if there is a privacy wall between said urinals which extends from the knees to the shoulders. Even with said wall, the buffer should be maintained if convenient.


Transportation
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Directions

No man shall ask for directions. This standard is derived from women's stereotype of men. Men are to live down to women's expectations. Besides, women don't ask for directions either.
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Skills

No man shall drive slowly in the fast lane. No man shall speed up when someone tries to pass. No man shall slow down after passing someone. Driving skills are inherent on the Y chromosome. Failure to demonstrate said skills will result in forfeit of manhood. Your new nickname will be princess.
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Shotgun

To claim front passenger seat, a man should announce "Shotgun." If you can't see the car, it is too early. If someone is already touching the door handle, it is too late. The driver has the right to override shotgun without an explantion.

There is no "farkel" rule, or any other challenge to shotgun. Once shotgun is called, you MUST respect the Shotty, unless said claimer is late, which turns him into a woman...and results in automatic forfeiture of the Shotty.

Full ride shotgun can only be called for predetermined trips that last longer than two days.
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Slug Bug

Slug Bug is a child's game; no man over the age of 18 shall participate.
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Acceptable Automobiles

The only acceptable cars are American. Any foreign cars (with the exception of Italian sportscars) are strictly forbidden. If one happens to own a foreign car, they are not to talk about it ever. Under absolutely no circumstances are they to brag about it in any way.

Foreign trucks are not acceptable. Period.

The only acceptable reason for buying a foreign car or truck is 1)It was dirt cheap 2)You are going to beat the living hell out of it.


Work & Leisure
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Diet

Men do not "diet". Men "get in shape". It is a semantics thing.
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Jobs

Men do not interfere with the possibility of a promotion for another employee, no matter what gender
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Work Relationships

You must obey all relationship rules when dating in the office